Saturday, October 27, 2012

"I won't grow up"

The thought of getting older (from a child's--well, my-- point of view):

When I was young I always imagined that when I reached the wonderful self-fulfilling age of eighteen, I would become an adult.
And yes, when I do reach that age, I will be an adult.
But I won't feel like one.

I have realized that the day I've always been waiting for will never come. The day when I can be as arrogant and obnoxious as I want and still get away with it. The day when I'll be sure about everything and will have complete control over my life and there will be no more insecurities and I will be the bravest person on the planet. The day when I'll wake up and say, 'Whoo-hoo! I'm a grown-up!'

Sometimes I feel like I am still five years old. Sure, I may be smarter and taller and uglier (*cough* somewhat partial sarcasm *cough*) than when I was five, but I don't feel that way.

Maybe it's because the changes happen so slowly that you don't notice them. It's not like one night your four-year-old self falls asleep while snuggling a stuffed bear and then wakes up, puts on a tie and a suit, and goes to work in a cubicle in downtown Manhattan.

Our bodies change and our minds change, but the super sub-conscious doesn't notice all the change going all around it because it's stuck in its little hobbit-hole. So by the time we're adults the super sub-conscious suddenly wakes up, takes a peek outside, and says, "What just happened here?!"

And it's sad and upset that it missed the train ride. And it's sad and upset that life is still boring and a bit scary and those insecurities are still there and there is still so little control and what did you say about being brave?

But that's okay, because there are a lot of people who missed the train, too.

The last thing I have to say? Peter Pan, you were wrong. You were so, so wrong.
Growing up? Pshah. There's no such thing.

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